I don't understand men.

Just when I'm feeling ok with things....he shows back up into my life. I haven't seen him for months. The last time I saw him, I made a huge mistake by kissing him. Emotions flooded back and I just could see myself falling again. One look in those eyes and I would probably be putty. I pulled myself away and walked away already in tears. He shut the door and left. Then the text came a few minutes later --- 'Are you ok?'. My response --- 'No, I think it's best I do not see you anymore. I need space to move on'. He has honored my wishes. But then this morning I receive a text from him saying -- 'I just wanted to say hi'.

It's hard for me not to just immediately write back, but I'm forcing myself not to. It's for the best. He has a girlfriend, who he lives with and he cares for. We have tried the friendship thing but he's always wanting a little more and never happy with just friends. So, we can't exactly do that either. I'm just sad. I know he cares about me, but not enough. He cannot provide me what I want out of life - a loving, adoring husband and kids and a wonderful family with God as the center. I would always fear that he was cheating on me because I do not trust him. He was a so-called Christian, which made me fall for him - but then I found out that was not the truth and that he'd fallen away from his faith and didn't care to work on building it back up. I got entirely wrapped up in everything, fell in love, and lost my faith. Now I'm building that back up!

I know he was put in my life for a reason. I've learned a ton by being involved with him, including what I wanted/what I would not settle for in a significant other. I just can't help but miss him - although I'm certain it's much more than him. It's a miss of feeling the connection with the opposite sex.

I just cannot wait to meet who God has picked for me. I know it will be a wonderful experience. And I am so ready to start a family. I'm going to be 30 in a few months, and I really thought I'd be further in life by  now. So God, when you're ready....I'm ready!